Failure

This post is a rather lazy throw back to a slam poem I wrote a few years ago, so sorry for the lack of original material, but I felt it relevant to share as I explain below...

I received a message from someone I knew at university about this blog and the stuff I'd been sharing on Facebook about my anxiety. She was describing how before she was diagnosed with having anxiety, she had just assumed that everyone else around her had really hated her and that she was just useless and worthless.

At first I was somewhat shocked by this assessment of how others saw her as, although it's been many years since I've seen this person, she is genuinely one of the most generous, caring, supportive and lovely people I've met, and I know many people, not just mutual friends would share this view. 

Aside from this though, it hit me seconds later that although it shocked me that this lovely woman would think so little of herself, this was in fact exactly the way I often assume that people are thinking about me- that they must despise me and wonder why on earth I'm trying to talk to them or be near them.

There was a brief time when I moved away from home and went off to university when I was meeting lots of new people, that I simply couldn't believe people genuinely seemed to like me for who I was and wanted to spend time with me, more than once. My self esteem was so low that I just couldn't understand why people wanted to be friends with me. Memories of these feelings of confusion and inadequacy came flooding back and to be honest, it made me sad. Sad for this person, because I knew exactly what she meant. 

Whilst in my CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions last year, one particular chat stands out for me as my lovely therapist Bernard explained what he called a 'perceived judgement' that we often have about others- in that we assume we know what people are thinking about us. But as another dear friend who has suffered with eating disorders put it to me- people are not interested in you to the extent that you think they are, they are much more interested in themselves! 

In short- we do not know what others are thinking of us and we cannot obsess over what we do not know for sure. This is easier said than done, especially for people with low self esteem. It is so difficult for us to believe that we are worthy, we are strong, that we are loved and needed.

This, essentially is my message in 'Failure' which is a performance piece I wrote for a different friend I knew in York who had really had a rough time of it at uni, due to some fairly serious that eventually caused her to be hospitalised for some months after having a complete mental breakdown. Worse than this, she was convinced that everything that had happened to her was completely her fault and because of mistakes she had made, because in her eyes, she was nothing more than a big fat failure,

This was my reply to her.

A recording of the poem is here- really sorry about the terrible sound quality, it was recorded on my laptop: https://soundcloud.com/blowfishfellova/failure-3

Failure

See you like I see you, Failure. Stop for a second in your mean world of mad. It's not bad that you're mad or mad that you're bad, all the best people are and sometimes it's perfectly OK to float awhile, float away. And you're confused, contempt with content, but who isn't.

You think you should get off, headed down a different way, can't be happy with the steps you take. But I said there are different kinds of being a success and different types of happiness and you agreed. And I know you know that not having a man doesn't make you ugly and not having that job makes you lazy and not having your own place makes you lost, but you keep using that word, Failure.

When I heard, my heart stopped and locked, my head swoll and my eyes rolled, I just couldn't see you like that at all. What is a failure about, when any act of kindness makes you squeal for the platonic, how is a failure made when you're the funniest and that laugh busts out of you in sweet bursts and no-one on this earth can make you stop. Why is a failure here when you're a young, smart beautiful woman, stepping out onto to the best part of a person's life.

See you like I see you, Failure. Just stop for a second in your mad world of mean. You're mean to your mad and mad that you're bad, all the best people are and sometimes I just want to shake you up until your eyes fall out and I replace them with mine or anybody's so you can look at yourself and see you like I see you.

But what is failure when he ripped you open and tried to destroy the emotions closed up in the tendons of your heart and was beat back by the beautiful soul that lies around those sweet thoughts. What is a failure when she peeled off your smile, slapped it on the floor and stamped on it for all the world to see, only to look back at your bloody face and see that smile still there. What is a failure when they screamed in your face, but you screamed back harder and louder and took up your degree and walked away.

See you like I see you. Love you like I love you. Feel you like I feel you. Be you like, I want to be you, and if I were to be, I would not be a failure. You think you can't be floating down a different path but there are people on those paths whose feet are torn and success is a rock that beats their back, and I know you could do that and come through with that brave smile, but your rock needs to be one that stops you using that word in reference to yourself, because I can think of 500 words to describe how you move through this world and not one of them, none of them, accounts to a failing.

See you like I see you. Love you like I love you. Feel you like I feel you. Be you like, I want to be you, and if I were to be, I would not be a failure. It's not wrong to want, to yearn, but it is wrong to condemn your contempt or tell yourself that because these things always happen to you doesn't mean it's because of you. Step onto the best part of your life and don't look at what kind of step of it is, look at what kind of person you are. Not a failure, a victor..